The Psychology of Loneliness: Why Do We Feel Lonely Among People?

Author: Roza Fileva-Hadzhova

Why Do We Feel Lonely Among People?

Sometimes loneliness doesn't come when we are alone. We can be surrounded by people and feel empty. And we can be alone — and sense a silence that is peaceful and meaningful. This distinction marks the difference between loneliness as a deficit and the capacity to be alone — a state in which one does not feel abandoned — as an achievement of psychological development. The capacity to be alone represents an inner anchor — a stable sense of self that allows contact with one's own experiences without anxiety about abandonment or disintegration. As Donald W. Winnicott emphasises in "The Capacity to Be Alone", it is grounded in the early experience of being alone in the presence of another.

Loneliness as an Inner Experience

Loneliness is a subjective state connected to an absence of inner stability. In this case, solitude is experienced as anxiety, emptiness, or psychological instability (disintegration), and the person feels abandoned even among others. When psychological stability is present, this same solitude can become a space for thought, creativity, and psychological restoration.

Origins: The Early Relationship

At the foundation of this capacity lies the early relationship between the child and their caregiver. The infant does not exist in isolation, but within a relationship that shapes the way the inner world is built. Through the experience of stable, unobtrusive presence, the child builds security and, gradually, the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned. The key moment is the experience of being alone while the other is "there" — available, but not intrusive. This allows spontaneous experiences to be felt as one's own and to be integrated into the inner world. In this way, an inner sense of "the other" is formed, making solitude possible without a sense of loss.

Deficits and Consequences

When the early environment is unstable or inconsistent, this capacity may remain undeveloped. Loneliness is then experienced as threatening, connected to emptiness and inner instability. The need for constant external stimulation often serves as a defence against this experience.

A Psychotherapeutic Perspective

Psychotherapy creates conditions for the restoration of this capacity. In the beginning, silence may feel tense, but gradually it becomes tolerable. In the presence of the therapist as a stable, unobtrusive "other", the patient once again develops the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned.

Conclusion

The capacity to be alone does not mean isolation, but inner autonomy. It enables connection with others without dependence on their constant presence. To be alone means to remain with oneself peacefully — a state of inner resilience in which the absence of others does not lead to a loss of self.

References

• Winnicott, D. W. (1958). The capacity to be alone. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 416–420.

• Winnicott, D. W. (1999). Playing and Reality. Lik.

• Winnicott, D. W. (2018). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment: Studies in the theory of emotional development. Routledge.

• Casement, P. (1999). Learning from the Patient. Lik.